Mending Your Mind
- Brendhan T. Sears
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
Updated: 3 days ago
By: Brendhan T. Sears, RPL, CMCP
Disclaimer: We're dispatchers, do I really need to include a warning for foul language?
So, I'd like to finally address the elephant in the room: my depression.
For the past several months, I've been wanting to talk about it, but I wasn't quite sure how to approach it - and then I saw this meme and it just sort of came together, and at the right time: Mental Health Awareness Month.
That's the meme I saw, and I'm not gonna lie - it pissed me off. Depression is a BITCH. Especially when it throat punches you at a time when everything seems to be going so well in your life. That's exactly what happened to me, and it's why HTH has sort of just been coasting by the past couple of years.
My separation from my husband was a slow and painful death. For the first 18 months of it, we actually still lived together. Separately, of course. He worked from home, which meant he never left. It also meant I never wanted to be there. So, I poured myself into work and Humanizing the Headset. And I mean I POURED MYSELF INTO IT. We're talking like 20 grand worth of overtime that first year, if that's any indication of just how much I worked.
I was "fine." My attitude hadn't changed because I was actively ignoring/avoiding reality. When I finally started telling people, they had no idea because that's how I wanted it. I still gave them the old me - the one who wasn't slowly falling apart.
And then, more things happened relatively quickly in my personal and professional life. I began disassociating with everyone and everything. Not intentionally, of course. I got quiet. I tried to manage things on my own and not take it all too personally. But once I started "getting over" one thing, something new happened. While I was being buried in the emotions of the new shit, the pieces of the old shit I thought I had put back together fell right on top of it.
An avalanche of depression. Would you believe I still didn't know I was depressed?!
Then there was the crying. A lot of it. Suddenly and without warning. It didn't matter where I was, and it was when I started crying at work between calls that I knew I needed help.
There's an interesting shift in the relationships you have with people when you're depressed. You learn who your ride-or-dies are. You learn who's in your corner and who's not - the ones who are going to make your depression about them.
"Oh, Brendhan is being mean."
No, actually. Brendhan is just being quiet.
I learned that so many people were talking so much shit. They never took the time to talk to ME, but they sure had a great time kicking me when I was down. People whom I invited into my home and broke bread with reduced my life into something to gossip about, not ONCE asking me if I was okay. After about a year and a half in therapy, as I pick myself back up, dust myself off, and become the best version of myself that I have ever been, I realize in retrospect that this was just the trash taking itself out.
My main point with this meme is this: if you are depressed and you feel the need to apologize - DON'T. Full stop. True friends don't ignore changes in your behavior without questioning them and making sure you're okay. Those are the only people who matter, and they don't need an apology because they get it. They understand.
Don't you dare apologize for suffering through something you had no control over. Instead, show yourself some grace and congratulate yourself for navigating through it and coming out the other side like the absolute badass you are! Because people who haven't gone through this don't have the SLIGHTEST CLUE what it does to you.
But I do, and I ain't apologizing for shit.
Part of your healing is prioritizing YOUR feelings, not those around you. Unless, in the midst of your shit, you knowingly wronged somebody, you don't owe anyone a thing.
Switching gears here a bit, it can be incredibly difficult to find the positives in life when you feel like you're drowning. So many of us are faced with crippling staffing shortages that force long hours and more time away from loved ones. Others are faced with apathetic leadership, and some feel trapped within a toxic work culture. And God help you if you're dealing with the trifecta of all three.
I want to encourage you to try to reframe your thought process. Instead of saying, "I don't wanna to go to work today," try, "I get to help people today."
You have been gifted a beautiful opportunity to be of service. As the days pass and we become more seasoned, and the calls feel a little more routine and mundane, remember that someone NEEDS you. Every single day.
Don't get so caught up in that routine that you forget that today's calls involve different people - NEW people - some of whom, at some point, are going to rely on you to literally save their life or the life of someone they love.
Not only do you GET to do it, but you GET to kick ass at it, too. What a privilege!!
Through all the things that seem like they're intentionally working against you, don't EVER forget how important you are to the person on the other end of the call.
You are the lighthouse in their storm. They are your "why."
As for me, I'm doing better. Am I where I want to be? Not quite, and that's okay because I know I'm getting there. Some days are great, while some are a bit of a struggle - but they aren't nearly the struggle they used to be, and I am incredibly grateful for therapy. Please bear with me as I navigate through this and become more active with HTH again. It's a process, and progress isn't linear. But as long as we're trending upward, that's a great thing! Oh, and my divorce will be finalized in a couple weeks.
If you're not where you want to be: keep going, be patient, and again, show yourself some grace.
YOU WILL GET THERE.
It's Mental Health Month, y'all. Quit playing games with your emotions and talk to someone if you think/know you need to. Suppressing your feelings is an archaic thought process, and it's even more damaging to whatever your current mental health state is. You are ABSOLUTELY worth living a happy and healthy life. I promise.❤️
Brendhan is the Founder and Owner of Humanzing the Headset, LLC, and has been a 9-1-1 Dispatcher since 2007.
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